Free

This was my first love, which hurt the most.
Since it’s my first.

Right at the moment when we fell in love,
I started telling about you to Helios.
“this cheeky, smart, and crafty antic is everything that I dream about.”
I thought everything about you, and told that to the world.
told that to the sun.
Helios was happy for my happiness, praying the rest would be the best.
“things are gonna be far, son. I wish that for you.”
I just couldn’t stop telling Helios that I loved you.

I spent decades, just to remind Helios that you were the right one.
But one day, Epiales came out of nowhere in the middle of the night.
He gave me this kind of black dream, the one that I didn’t believe from the very start.
“That wasn’t just a dream, it was a fact”, he remarked.
I kept thinking “did my love really did that?”
I stopped talking to Helios as I mourned.

Second by second,
Minute by minutes,
Days, months, years, to decades.
I wasted my time to talk with Epiales, listened to every word he whispered,
I was numb, and too blind I supposed.

Telling sunrise about your existence,
Thanking sunset about memories we made in our lives,
was the best thing that ever happened in my life.
It made me forget about my promise,
that I would put myself first so I did not to get hurt.

Before it’s too late, I decide to stop.
I already wasted my time, much of it, just to be blunt.
I talked to Helios this afternoon, that I would go back to my throne-
as I took a deep sigh.
I wasn’t mad to the world, I wasn’t mad to Helios, nor the one I loved.
I forgot myself, and left myself to be blamed.

“No, I’m not mad at you. But could you please set me free so I can live without burden in my head which weigh my shoulder?”
“No- I just want you”
“I spent decades, just to blame myself. Am I not good enough for you? Am I not honest enough about everything that happens in my life? I’m poisoned by my own toxic thought. Please, help me.”
“But I love you.”
“I love you more,
but I gotta love myself first.”

I’m back to my throne, the place where I belong.
Thanks to Epiales for million cups of tea we spent.
At the witching hour of the night, I always listened.
Helios was too naïve about this world, so was I.
It’s the night, that I’m walking along with now.
But there is nothing I should be thankful for right at this time-
besides that I am free now.